Warning: the pizza you are about to consume...

...is freakin hot. Why have I not learned this simple lesson in 26 pizza-eating years? Unknown. But last night I burned the roof of my mouth with my first bite of Hawaiian pizza (Ham, shallots, pineapple, thyme, three cheeses). I think that melted, viscous cheese should by now be classified in my mind with all those other dangerous burning liquids--battery acid, boiling oil poured from a castle wall, candle wax (which is hell to get out of carpets too), popping grease from a frying pan (which is only another reason why no one should ingest fried food. You hear me?). Feeling this agony of chewing even my Cheerios, perhaps I can understand the rush to the courts that some people have felt towards McDonald's and Starbucks. Maybe they were over litigous but, hey, my mouth hurts and is hanging in shreds that I, of course, cannot stop playing with with my tongue. Maybe I can make a million dollars and force one more commodity to be plastered with warning labels, making the American have less common sense of their own but a smaller number of accidental burnings. Of course, wouldn't much help. I made the flippin pizza my damn self. I hereby sentence the defendant, Gnomey, to pay punitive damages in the amount of 1.21 million for physical and emotional pain suffered by the plaintiff, Gnomey...